


I know I'm not good, but...

by MashuraDi



Series: [Relapse Verse] [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angry Sex, Angst, Drunk Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Jealousy, M/M, Memories, Not a native english writer, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 17:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6668371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MashuraDi/pseuds/MashuraDi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Valentine's Day, and Nick is waiting for Jimmy to show up at his house. Jimmy arrives late, and finds a drunk Nick, whom has been thinking and reminding way too much about their past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I know I'm not good, but...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Renezinha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renezinha/gifts).



 

* * *

11 years ago...

* * *

 

This is it. After months of intense and thorough planning, this was it.

Jimmy was getting _married_ today.

And Nick... Well, Nick is happy for him. He really is.

Or so he wanted to convince himself of that.

 

“ _Nick, buddy, where are you?_ “ Said the dark haired man to his best friend, on the other side of the line. “ _I'm so nervous... I can't believe I'm marrying that woman today._ ”

“Yeah...” Nick chuckled through the phone, his voice gentle and warm, but Jimmy could tell something was off with him, and so he had to ask.

“ _Are you alright, Nick? Something happened at the hospital?_ ” He asked.

“No, I mean,” Nick cleared his throat, ready to fix that.“Yeah...”

“ _Why don't you come over now, so we can talk about it? There is still some time before the wedding, and I want you here. Can't work this without you. I promise I'll make you forget about whatever bad day you could have had in that job or yours!_ ” James laughs softly, forcing the blond to laugh with him as well.

He still had a sad smile on his lips, thank God his buddy wasn't there to watch him, so there's that.

He can't ruin his friend's happiness, not now, not ever.

“Sure, I'll just... finish some stuff here, and I will meet you soon. I have to take you to the chapel anyway, so yeah...”

“ _Obviously, dude, you're my best man._ ” Jimmy chuckled again and cleared his throat right after. “ _Ok, don't take long. I'll be waiting for you, buddy! Watch over yourself on your way here, love ya!_ ”

“Sure. Love ya, too, buddy.” He knows he does. He really, _really_ does.

The blond hangs up and takes a deep breath. Closing his eyes, his fingers clenched around the knot of his red tie. He was already dressed to go out and all, wearing a black suit and white shirt underneath. His shoes and everything else were just great, well, maybe he could fix his blond hair a little more, after all, he has been running his hand through it over and over in the last hour.

Yeah, he needed to fix his hair before going out, and that's what he did.

 

Doesn't take him long to reach the Novaks' residence, Jimmy welcomed him with open arms and a tight hug, he was so happy,

so happy...

“I'm glad you could make it!” He said, with a huge smile on his lips. Nick laughed softly, and patted his back. Amelia wasn't around obviously, she was with her mother and her best friends, whom were helping getting her dressed and all, making her look pretty for the wedding. Nick didn't even waste time to ask about something so obvious, but Jimmy still talked about her. “Can't wait to see her, I bet she'll look gorgeous in the wedding dress.”

The blond nibbled on his lower lip and smiled at his best friend.

He smiled again, and again.

“She'll look stunning, I'm sure of it.” He just had to smile, and everything would be okay. “She must be as nervous as you are, pal.”

“You think?” James was hurrying to take the keys of the house while the blond was waiting for him by the doorstep. “Nah, she's a though girl. I bet I'll look ridiculous beside her, and she will have to beg me to behave in front of the priest.”

“Don't be stupid,” the nurse said, shaking his head in amusement. Jimmy made him feel that way everytime he said cute things like that. “C'mon, don't make me push you towards the car, dude.”

Nick headed out then, and Jimmy rushed after him.

He was still laughing, and smiling...

And Nick tried to remember that happiness for later.

 

Arriving the place, Jimmy ran to continue working, dragging Nick with him so he could help him with the guests and all that. The blond would do whatever his pal asked from him, he received guests, he talked to some people in the meanwhile they had to wait for Amelia to show up.

The bride always arrives late, so... yeah. Nick also had to help entertaining the others.

The priest was smiling at Jimmy then, Nick could tell. Staring at him from a distance, he didn't know about what they could be talking about, but if he knew Jimmy _that_ well as he claimed to, he can even read the movement of his lips.

 

 _Give me your blessing, father.  
_ _She's too good for me, I know I'll do my best to make her happy._

 

The priest's lips curled into a smile, and the blond knew he was talking to Jimmy.

But he can't tell what is he saying.

He is not James, after all.

 

 _I'm so nervous...  
_ _I love her so much._

 

The priest placed a hand over the groom's shoulder, and Jimmy ran a hand over his face.

He is still smiling.

Nick can tell he was nervous.

Then he looked in his direction, and the blond felt something tug at his heart.

“Nick!” Jimmy does a sign for his buddy to get closer, he needed him there.

And Nick smiles.

He smiles because he _has_ to.

Because it was his _job_ as the best man.

Nick obviously obliged, and soon was reaching his best friend's side. “So, I bet you're more than ready, huh?” He even teases him, punching softly his buddy's shoulder. Jimmy laughs, again.

“No, no I'm not. No... I mean, yes.... No-” James looked so adorable. Really. All the expressions he could make in just a few seconds...

“Geez, you need to decide before she arrives, man!”

“I know!” The smile wouldn't leave his features that day, that much the blond knows. “Ahh... It's just... Do you really believe this is right? Will she say _Yes_?”

“She _will_ ,” Nick was quick to reply, narrowing his icy blue eyes. “Why are you even doubting that?”

“I will never know if I'm good enough, I just-”

“Shut up, dude.” Nick spat, slightly denying with his face, looking down at him. The blond reached both hands to his friend's cheeks, a friendly touch for so many, for the people who knew how deeply their relationship as best friends, was.

James smiles. A simple gesture like that from his best friend, and just like that, he feels more relaxed. “Alright. I'm sorry.”

“I know, you're nervous. You've been saying that the entire day,” Nick pats gently his friend's cheek, and placed the hands away. “Everything will be just fine, you'll see.” Everything would be just fine, alright.

“Thanks,” Jimmy was crying. The smile was just beautiful in his lips right now.

And Nick steps closer, wrapping his arms around him. The hug is warm, and soft...

And Nick just tried to lose himself in the embrace. He doesn't want to let go.

But Jimmy's arms around him, alongside the soft pat on his back made him remember the situation, and his place.

Another soft pat on Jimmy's shoulder blade, and people began to talk around.

Amelia has just arrived, and she was about to climb out of the vehicle across the street.

“She's here, she's here!” One of James' friends said.

The music was soon playing in the background, and the blond pulled back. He gave Jimmy one last glance, smiled, and even helped to clean the tears off his face.

Jimmy smiled at him, and then nodded.

Nick nodded once, and stepped away.

The blond knows he should stay nearby to have the best view of that wedding, but he walks, and walks away. He didn't realize he was that far when he turned around. He can see all the people looking at the front.

And... Amelia was already there, beside his best friend.

When did that happen? He couldn't even watch the woman walking her way towards her future husband. He didn't even have time to look at her father, escorting her.

He didn't even have time to watch Jimmy, searching for him through the many people around.

 

Both were staring at the priest, the man was talking to them.

Jimmy turned to look at the blondie next to him. His smile is shy, and so is hers.

She is crying silently... while Jimmy is telling her promises.

The ring on her finger.

The priest watching closely, until it was Amelia's turn.

Nick can only focus on Jimmy's face.

His heart aches...

It aches so _much_...

And he swallows.

Jimmy is leaning down to press his lips upon Amelia's.

People cheer and clap at the couple that just got married.

And Nick just stares at them. He stares at them kissing, and by some odd reason, he can't look away.

The kiss seemed to last longer within his own mind.

Jimmy and Amelia walk away from the church. People throw rice at them, and Jimmy laughs with his now wife, trying to cover himself from anything getting on his eyes.

The blond takes a deep breath.

There's tears in his eyes.

He can't breathe.

He can't... He _can't_ breathe.

There's someone talking to him, but he pays no attention. His mind is somewhere else in the end.

Something about how happy Jimmy looked, and that everything was going to be alright.

Something about how glad this person is to know Nick was his _friend_.

He was crying because he was that happy for his friend's _happiness_ after all... wasn't he?

The couple vanishes in the distance in a fancy car. People waved at them goodbye even when they couldn't see them anymore

… And Nick stands alone.

His chest goes in and out, so painfully... slow.

He know he never felt like this towards anyone before.

 _Anyone_.

Of course he had to lie to Jimmy when he said he was sad because of his job. Because something happened at the hospital, when it wasn't like that.

He lied about the smiles.

He lied about almost everything that day.

He loved the silly sheep, but he knew nothing could come out of that when Jimmy looked so hopelessly in love with that woman.

It was for the best to stay quiet, and let him go.

Let his friend be happy.

Nick tried to smile as he cleaned the tears with the sleeve of his jacket...

He tried.'Tried' is the keyword.

But he couldn't.

 

* * *

 

 

Today it was Valentine's day, and even when Jimmy was still married to Amelia, now his relationship with Jimmy was different.

Being lovers allowed Nick to tell him to pay attention to him, ask him a little of his time at least to see each other.

Nick called him in the morning that day, telling him if it was possible for them to reunite in his place for at least five minutes, but Jimmy told him he wasn't sure. He said he would try because, _hell_ , he also wanted to see him, but going out on Valentine's day when he had a wife with whom he should be spending time with that night, could make things a little bit... harder.

The blond didn't care, as long he could give him those five minutes. To tell him how much he loved him, to tell him how much he needed him...

Just in case, he prepared a nice dinner.

There were even aromatic candles, the lights were soft, and the music in the background only served to make Nick calm down.

The memories continued coming to his mind, and after taking a seat on the couch, he poured himself some scotch.

The glass remained in the small table before him though, he knows he shouldn't be drinking.

So he stared at the filled glass, and didn't dare to touch it just yet.

Instead, he leaned back on his seat, and gazed upon the clock that was on the wall, next to the TV.

It marked 10pm.

James must be spending time with Amelia right now, maybe even with Claire.

Or... Maybe Claire wasn't at home.

Maybe Amelia took her to her mother's place, so she could spent time with Jimmy tonight.

The two of them alone, so they could-

The blond closed his eyes.

He had to stop that line of thought, I mean, it was making the glass of whiskey to look even tastier.

 

His wedding with Sarah was nothing like Jimmy's, that he can also remember...

Because he remembers standing in front of the altar, and thinking it wasn't a good idea.

He tried to convince himself that the wedding was for the best. Sarah was a nice woman, but...

But he loved someone else.

He _still_ loved someone else.

He could try to be good for her, he liked her, she was a good person.

Maybe with time he would convince himself that he also loved her as much as she seemed to love _him_.

 

Nick closed his eyes, and laid back on the couch. He let the music play in the background.

 _November Rain_ by _Guns N' Roses_ started playing and Nick had to release a breath of a laugh.

Great.

Just... great.

 

* * *

 

Jimmy wanted to hurt someone by now. And no, he doesn't blame his wife, neither his lovely daughter, but he can guess his lover is probably wanting to explode. Being obsessive as he was with him, what if Nick even dared to hurt himself, and all because he couldn't have those five minutes he asked for before?

Or even worse, what if the blond got drunk, and dared to come to his house and all to start arguing?

No... He had to go see him, he couldn't just leave him alone tonight.

So after Claire was in her bed, and Amelia told him to go join her in the bed, Jimmy was quick to put up an excuse, and even he was surprised to know he could be such a good actor.

He basically told her he had forgot something important in the station, and that he needed that for tomorrow. Jimmy faked concern, and made his wife try to calm him down. She was actually the one telling him that he should take the car and go look for it. Jimmy looked at her and nodded, approached her on the bed while he was buttoning his shirt, and kissed her forehead.

Told her he would be right back, even when he knew he wasn't coming back that _soon_.

The dark haired man rushed to his car, and headed to Nick's house. Instead of fifteen, it only took him ten minutes to arrive the place.

The lights were out, or at least that's what it looked like from outside.

And he started to get worried.

He quickened the pace and knocked on the door. Now, either Nick was taking his time to reach the door, or he didn't want to see anyone. That's why James tried to see if the door wasn't locked, and thankfully, it wasn't, so he just opened it and stepped inside the house. “Nick?”

There was a nice smell coming out from the kitchen, mixed with candles... probably? That perfume, after all...

Soft music was playing in the background, and looking at the whole thing better, he can see the spent candles in the living room.

It made his heart sink a little.

He just wanted to find Nick, and hug him.

To tell him he was there, finally, _finally_ he was here.

“Nick? It's me, I made it.” He called for him, again. “Where are you?”

Jimmy then finds an empty bottle, and his breath hitched.

He's mostly worried, not angry.

Worried.

So he walked around the place, and going upstairs, he gets to find his lover sitting on the floor, with a glass on his hand. He was looking out the window.

And he was... Was he crying?

“There you are!” The younger man steps inside, and gets closer. It should have startled Nick somehow, but that didn't happen. The blond only turned his face back to watch Jimmy, when this one knelt behind him, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “Happy Valentine's day. I'm sorry I couldn't get here any sooner.”

Nick sighed, and leaned his head slightly to the side, getting his forehead to touch James's temple. “It's ok...” He said, in a soft, drunk tone. And Jimmy sighs, trying to reach an arm to grab the glass Nick was holding, but the blond didn't let him take the alcohol away from him.

“Come on, Nick. Let's not start fighting again. I'm here after all, aren't i?”

“You know... I should have told you back then...” Nick started to talk out of blue about something, and Jimmy couldn't tell if he got it. “In your wedding day? With Amelia?” He chuckles, smiling sadly.

“What do you mean?”

“I should have told you that I loved you.” He sipped from his glass, finishing its content. For a moment he looked as if he wanted to smash the glass against a wall, but he controlled himself. Somehow, he did, and just let it drop from his grip.

“Nick...” Nick chuckles and tries to stand up. Jimmy helps him. Nick wants to step away from that.

“It always ends up like this,” the blond said. Jimmy can tell he wants to cry. “You've no idea how I felt that day...”

“Please...” Jimmy begs, even though he isn't sure about what.

“And I know it wasn't your fault, you were so happy...”

Jimmy tried to reach him.

“So... _happy_.” The tears rolled down his cheeks, and Jimmy felt horrible.

“I'm... I'm sorry. I... I didn't know... Nick, you know I didn't-”

“Shut up.” Nick knows, but he's drunk. He even laughs, he laughs even when the tears are still coming down. He used the back of his hand to clean them off his face, and walked towards the door.

Jimmy followed right behind.

Nick never reached the door.

James knows this kind of pain, and he also knows what to do to make it go away, at least for the moment. He wanted to make his lover feel better, he just couldn't watch him cry like that. His heart complains because of the pain, and without being aware, he was reaching for the blond's wrist. Jimmy pulled him back, and Nick growled in surprise.

The younger clings to the eldest, and his fingers closed into fists over the fabric of the blond's shirt. He pushed him against the wall, and forced Nick to kiss him.

All was so sudden, Nick was so dizzy, but he manages to get Jimmy had pinned him against the wall, and leaned closer to smash his warm lips against his.

The kiss is fierce, and even violent, and Nick wouldn't have it any other way.

He panted against his mouth, clenching his eyes, he bites on Jimmy's lips, making him bleed, and his lover whined a little, but he didn't stop. He never stopped.

Kissing back, the dark haired man even returns the bite, making Nick to lift both hands, and reach for the collar of Jimmy's shirt. He pushes him off him, changing positions, and now it was Nick the one pinning James against the wall.

Nick continued crying in silence, and Jimmy soon joined him.

The whole thing was violent, and needy, and both craved for that. And while Jimmy tried with his hands to tear up his lover's clothes, Nick had a hand gripping the other's hair, controlling the kiss, not wanting to let him go. His other hand was on Jimmy's cheek and part of his neck, and the grip is manly, strong, and vicious.

And no... No, the making out session wasn't enough.

Nick pulled Jimmy with him to the bed, and pushed him down. The blond doesn't care to remove his clothes, he doesn't care to even remove Jimmy's. Maybe his lover had tried before to get them naked, but considering this turned out to be wild and spontaneous, Nick wasn't going to please him on that matter. Besides, both just wanted to get over with this quickly. They needed to find release, and moan against the other's skin, and that's how the blond was fast to pull down Jimmy's pants, and noticing how hard he was, he just knew he could take it.

The eldest was soon inside his sheep, and Jimmy cried in both pain and pleasure. The blond felt him wrapping his arms around his neck, but all he could think of was to move against him, hard and fast.

Harder.

Deeper.

“N-Nick!” Jimmy whined, panting and feeling how his lover pounded even harder against him. He knows he's going to be sore in the morning, but he didn't care. “Oh Fuck... Nick!”

The blond wrapped an arm around his lover's waist, and his free hand had a possessive, strong grip on the other's hips. Jimmy wrapped his legs around his lover's waist, trying desperately to cling to him with his arms. Nick was panting and cursing under his breath, knowing he wouldn't last much longer like this, and Jimmy just knew he was close to his own climax as well.

“Jimmy...” The eldest panted, with his lips pressing against his sheep's neck. His hips thrust against him faster, and before he could reach his edge, he felt Jimmy coming all over their bellies. Nick hears him moaning hard, almost in a cry, feeling how his inner walls tightening around him. He just had to let himself go as well.

He buried himself deep within his lover, finding the so craved release. Groaning in abandon.

Both were panting, and Nick continued moving until he felt utterly spent. Riding whatever that remained from their orgasms.

Jimmy let him, and he continued clinging to his blond.

“I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.” Jimmy said, crying. And Nick wrapped his arms around him for a tight embrace. He hid his face under the other's chin, and tried not to cry again.

But Jimmy continued whispering how sorry he was, because he didn't know Nick felt that way when he married Amelia, and he just can't imagine the pain he felt. More when he was there, asking him for advice and stuff like that, asking him to be near, when he now knows the blond probably wanted to run away.

Nick didn't reply, he pulled himself back, and leaned over to kiss him hard, trying to make him shut up.

_Shut up..._

_Shut up._

The blond reached a hand to James' face, and he kissed him passionately. He can taste his tears in his tongue, but he doesn't care. He also had brand new tears coming down his cheeks, and if just only he could spare his lover to feel them on his skin, he would feel better.

But Jimmy reached both palms to his lover's face, and he brushes away those tears with the help of his thumbs. He kisses Nick tenderly, and lovingly.

Nick feels numb... But the whole thing made him feel better.

Jimmy was there, he was trying to show him how much he loved him, and he can take it.

He takes everything the younger man was trying to offer him, and returns it twofold.

There is no way Nick's feelings for Sarah could be compared to the ones he felt for Jimmy.

Never.

His heart never ached for her, like it did that day at his best friend's wedding.

So the blond weeps slightly against his lover's sweet embrace.

He can't forget it.

And he also can't accept the fact Jimmy was still married to her.

He loved him so much...

So much.

Nick was even afraid to ask Jimmy, what if he had told him about his feelings back then? What would he have said in return, knowing what he now knows?

No... Nick knows Jimmy loved Amelia back then. He would have probably lost him completely, and he didn't want that.

But fate could be so cruel sometimes, even now.

And well... At least he can have him, not _completely_ , but it was good enough.

 

 

_I know I'm not good..._

_But I love you._

 

   
[Art made by [Renezinha](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Renezinha)]

 

**Author's Note:**

>  _ **Chapel** by **Nicole Dollanganger**_ inspired me for this, sooo... I blame the song. Love it.  
>  Made me think of Nick and Sarah's wedding somehow, since in this story, Nick was in love with Jimmy in the end, and not with Sarah.
> 
> Thanks for beta-reading this, again, [Renezinha](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Renezinha) <3  
> She drew something inspired in the song and said it could fit the fanfic, so there, I had to show it off lol


End file.
